Let’s imagine that Barack Obama were given a truth serum before tonight’s speech on health care. I know, a politician saying only the truth is a fantasy that stretches “the willful suspension of disbelief” more than unicorns or hobbits ever could. Imagine some alternate universe in which it could happen.
This is my vision of what an honest Obama would say. Click on Read more to enjoy this fantasy.
Nationalizing health care is in trouble. I always knew it would be a challenge — that’s why I wanted it rammed through Congress before the peasants could read the damn thing. We didn’t get it done, and the peasants — also known as the American people — made it clear they don’t want to lose their freedom.
This is why I hate this country. I loathe the American people because they don’t know how to shut up and just follow orders. They are so stupid that they don’t understand that we are trying to take control of their lives for their own good. These idiots are brainwashed by capitalist propaganda. False consciousness — that’s all I see in America, false consciousness.
My legacy depends on getting some health care bill passed. If we don’t do something, I will look bad. I will be judged a failure like Jimmy Carter. Bill and Hillary Clinton will talk behind my back and say I’m not as good a President as Bill. Do you have any idea what it is like to be sneered at by hillbillies? And when Michelle hears that Hillary is dissing me about health care… Christ, I have to live with this woman. Do you understand what I am getting at?
Look, just pass something. Give us something. Work out a compromise. The Republicans are ready to give up a lot — maybe not the public option — but we can get halfway there. We know we can roll the Republicans; look at how we sucker punched them with the speech to the Obama Youth yesterday. The last thing I need right now is the left wing of my party holding out for a perfect bill. The perfect is the enemy of the good. Let’s cut a compromise, call it a victory and move on. Maybe we can hide stuff in the bill, if we write it vague enough, that will get us to socialized medicine before the scum called the American people figure out they’ve been had.
Thank you, and may Karl Marx bless America.
UPDATE: Deleted the profanity. That always happens to me when I write comic dialogue — I go back later and delete the profanity. Unfortunately, I post these things as soon as I write them.
UPDATE II: If Karl Rove is right, then I ascribed too much pragmatism to Obama in this parody:
Mr. Obama accused critics of his health reforms of spreading “lies” and said opponents want “to do nothing.” These false charges do not reveal a spirit of bipartisanship nor do they create a foundation for dialogue. It is more like what you’d say if you are planning to jam through a bill without compromise. Which is exactly what Mr. Obama is about to attempt.
Obama is the ideologue still intent on socializing medicine. The Democrats in the House, who might suffer in 2010, are more likely to be the ones calling for compromise. It makes sense, from the Dem perspective to keep pushing for the whole thing. The Republicans will fold like a cheap lawn chair sooner or later. They always do.